When my son Jonathan died on August 5, 1988 it was as if someone had taken my legs out from under me with a 2x4. The next few years, as I came to know my body and psyche better, were an incredible awakening for me at all levels of my being. Among the things I learned was when to expect my feelings to resurface - always at unexpected times in the beginning - but with time I began to recognize the signs. In spite of that the spurts still caught me off guard sometimes. I wrote this story in August of 2005 about the triggers - or "grief spurts" - that year was one of those that caught me off guard. Perhaps you will relate to this as well - or maybe it will help you prepare for your grief journey. Either way, it is my gift to you, with a reminder that as the years marched on my grief spurts were never as intense as they were in the beginning. Namaste, Dale
Every August since my son Jonathan died in a car crash I get triggered. He died late on the evening of Friday, August 5, 1988 and every summer I have thought perhaps the triggers wouldn’t come that year – after all it had been five or ten or seventeen years since we had lost our sweet, fun and promising boy. I remember around the seven year anniversary I was particularly impacted and felt such sadness and angst for several days leading up to August 5th. I knew why – you generally know the signals when they appear after you live with a loss for the first year or two - but what I did not expect at that point was the degree of my hurt. I nurtured myself – had a manicure, went out to lunch with friends, worked in the garden, and rode the wave – still wondering why the feelings were so strong. On August 5th Harv and I went out to dinner, and on the drive home it finally struck me! The anniversary was on a FRIDAY for the first time since Jonathan had died! I was immediately relieved by this revelation and said “There! Another hurdle I’ve gotten through!”
Fast forward to August 2005 and again I was aware of the approaching anniversary but surprised at the degree of my feelings. Oftentimes I mull things over and figure it all out internally but this year I was really puzzled about why my feelings were so strong. Perhaps, I thought, because my Dad died two years ago - also in August. Perhaps all the other events and concerns in my life were influencing factors. Yes, this was all true, but why would that not have been the case last year or the years before? No, this was different. And so, I continued to ride the wave and knew I would get through it.
August 5th came – the anniversary of Jonathan’s death – and Harv took me out to dinner. As we ate and chatted it struck me that it was FRIDAY night! My body had known – but I had not until that very moment -why the trigger was so strong. Thoughts began to flood into my head! I wondered if Jonathan still “came around” but I had just gotten too busy to know it. I used to feel his spirit near me a lot when I was the Hospice bereavement coordinator – especially when working with grieving parents - but in my new role at Hospice I had not felt him as strongly for a couple of years. Had I gotten too busy? Should I pay closer attention to that? Should I reevaluate? Spend more time in reflection?
I believe our departed loved ones are so closely connected to the divine they can find ways to let us know they are still with us in spirit. Over the years I have listened to my inner voice and tried very hard to remain centered when making important life and career decisions. I believe I have also been gifted with signs – some quite remarkable and others more subtle. On that night I was to experience one of the most profound yet.
Harv and I finished eating, exchanged quips with our favorite waitress and made our way through the long waiting line. As the door opened I looked into the faces of a couple I had supported following the death of their young son several years ago. It was so good to see them happy and well. On the way home I stopped to fill my gas tank and a red car pulled to the pump ahead of me. I recognized the driver as one of the Moms who met with me following the tragic drowning of her teenage son. We waved to each other as she walked into the store. I sat there thinking of how good it was to see her smiling – something she surely had not been able to do when I had sat with her several years before. I watched her through the window as she stood in line at the counter waiting for another lady to pay. As that woman turned and came out the door I realized that she had also come to Hospice for help after her son had died in a motorcycle crash. I marveled at how content she looked and it warmed my heart to see that she was also smiling.
Like a bolt from the blue it hit me that in less than five minutes synchronicity had provided me with an incredible gift. I felt comforted and validated in my beliefs. In awe and with gratitude I said thank you Jon, as I made my way home.
